The wounds are still raw & open. I don’t think they will ever heal from something like this. I’m definitely scarred for what short life I have left. It’s sad to have to deal with this hurt now. I trusted a person so much, I just didn’t think they would ever hurt me so. Never in a million years did I think it would happen to me, worse still it has happened at a low point in my life were my cancer has taken over my body. The person I trust the most, the one I’ve been with more than half my life, the man who’s suppose to love me the most, has been deceiving me these last few months, what could possibly be my last few months. He’s been cheating on me AGAIN, having an affair with someone who is younger than we’ve been together. Once was not enough for him.
I’ve had the worse night of my life, dealing with his deceit it’s definitely harder than dealing with my cancer. Cancer is something you can’t control but his deceit he could control. He decided his needs were more important than my trust, us – our marriage, his family; everything that I thought was important to both of us. He risked all of that for his selfish needs. What did he need so badly? He wanted someone adoring him giving him lots of affirmation, stroking his ego. What a fucking selfish prick, an arsehole, a scumbag, a fucking cunt.
I’m not even sure he’s remorseful about what’s happened, he says a lot of things but his actions don’t reflect this. His first reaction when his affair came out was defensive, then fear and anger. He hasn’t redeemed himself instead he showed no remorse he started up with her again after telling me he would make it up to me.
It’s sad to learn that I’ve wasted my life with this man who at the end didn’t really respect me enough, didn’t love me enough and ultimately didn’t care because he was prepared to risk everything for his selfish needs. He didn’t want my dying months to be happy, he wanted his own happiness. He didn’t care that I would get hurt, he didn’t look at any of the consequences or if he did it wasn’t important enough for him, not as important as himself. He never really loved me, I never felt really loved. I felt safe, he was my best friend, he was my support, I thought at least we had similar principles in life, I thought at least we had trust, loyalty & respect as our foundation in our relationship even if we were having problems with other parts of our relationship, 25 yrs together is not easy, it took a lot of work and it’s sad to see it fail because he gave up, he gave up on us, on me.
That deceitfulness and not just once but constant deception for months, everyday and more deception. When I look back and see when it was done, during our camping holiday, Father’s Day when I though we had a lovely weekend, every night, on weekends when I thought it was family time, how was he able to face us and come home from work after he’s spent that evening / afternoon with her, on my daughter’s birthday he was still with her, he saw her that day. Every Wednesday night he would call me and say he would be late home to avoid traffic but he was fooling around in his office with her instead of being home with us. whilst I was having my treatement he would call her. I had total trust. He spent a lot of time at home working because he was too busy during the day with her. During this period he was absent from us emotionally, he was distant and unsupportive. He might have been around physically but he distance himself from us. I don’t know him anymore, I thought I knew him, I thought my husband was a decent, caring, trustworthy man but he’s none of those things anymore, maybe he never was I just assumed he was decent. What’s worse he did again whilst saying sorry to me.
I’m devastated that the person that’s suppose to love me has hurt me the most, knowing what I have already endured in my life; knowing I had a bad childhood due to an abusive mother, all the crap from my cancer, not being able to have more children, just all the crap I’ve had in my life, all the pain I’ve endured. All the sadness in my life and still I can’t believe he inflicted more pain on me, the person that’s suppose to love me, how could he have done that to me? He said it wasn’t intentional to hurt me, it wasn’t deliberate but he was deliberate in his actions, he knew it was wrong but still did it. He knew it was wrong but still lied. He knew it was wrong but he still fucked her. He knew it was wrong but he still flirted with her and started the affair. He knew it was wrong but it didn’t stop him, how can it not be deliberate, he knew what he as doing….
It’s heartbreaking to have to go through this now, towards the end of my life; it’s not like I can rebuild my life, or have time to get over this pain, get over the fact that I ultimately wasted my entire life being with this one man who didn’t really love me, or was ever going to give me what I deserve or want. It’s painful to think of the happy times now because everything is tainted with shit. Did he cheat on me before? Has he always been a serial cheater I just never saw it? He was never going to tell me about the affair his girlfriend called me pretending she wanted to speak to him and even then he couldn’t tell, I quickly worked it out. How can I believe what he says now is the truth? When you’re dying you look back at your life, hopefully have some happy memories but all that has turned to shit for me because of what has happened. Memories I thought was special between us are no longer because of what he’s done. I have been with this person more than half my life, I was with him at 19, we grew up together, it’s upsetting that it’s all gone, he threw away twenty-five years together. I’m sad that our marriage is over. I’m sad and scared I’m going to die alone.
I’m at a loss, what do I do now? I’ve lost my happy, I just can’t feel happy about anything. What little joy I had left is gone. I’ve lost my confidence, I feel awful about myself. I was already feeling awful about my body & appearance, now I feel 10 times worse from the rejection. The horrible thing too was that throughout our time together he constantly rejected me sexually because of his sexual anxiety issues; he had virtually zero sex drive for most of the years we were together, this was a constant issue for us, for me, yet he goes and does this???? How am I suppose to cope with this, the man that constantly avoided sex goes and fucks someone else!!!! Talk about the ultimate rejection. Like I said I fucking wasted my life with this man, who couldn’t even show me he loved me, gave little intimacy, didn’t make me feel wanted.
I’m having to spend my time speaking to solicitors and accountants so that my child’s future is secure, he can’t be trusted anymore, he was always saying I’ll never be with anyone else but he couldn’t even wait for me to die. I’m spending my last months obsessing over this affair, being angry and sad. I’m hating myself for being like this, I’m just generally hating life. I’ve stopped my treatment, its not working anyway. I just can’t possibly take anymore beating.
The saddest part of all this was I thought we had a happy family and now that’s gone. It wasn’t good enough for him or he didn’t care enough about it; he took the risk of losing our family for his own selfish gain or maybe it was never there for him, there was no happy family in his eyes.
How many times can you beat someone, if it was him it’s until I’m dead I guess. Don’t worry my love I will be gone soon enough. You were a crap husband, a horrible father and the most selfish person I’ve ever met. Thanks for making my end of life so memorable for our daughter and not in a good way. This will be ulitimately what she will remember. Thank you.