It’s my birthday on Tuesday and I’m so grateful I’m still here to celebrate my birthday. I have nothing to complain about really I can still walk, talk, taste, hear, I’m still functioning well and everyone tells me how good I look even though I’m bald now with my chemo. I’m not phased at all with losing my hair now, I’ve walked around in public bald, no hats, no scares, no hair, no care.
I received an early birthday present from my cancer this year, I know how thoughtful of it. Which has put a dampener on my birthday celebrations, how dare it cramp my party! We went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner last night and as much as I enjoyed the whole experience there was this awful taste of death sitting in my mouth. It kept popping in my head all night, will this be my last year celebrating my birthday?
I had an MRI done on Monday as I had some issues with both my legs, some numbness and burning pain behind my thighs; I assumed it was related to the cancer on my spine. It’s just a small spot and it was being monitored, it was decided that it’s not something to be worried about yet. We don’t worry about small spots of cancer anymore, just large ones doing damage to my body, like causing hearing loss and balance which we worry about these days. So when I had my MRI and received an unexpected result, I was shaken to my core. How the fucking hell did my FUCKING CANCER GET HERE!!!! I fucking get a scan every quarter yet we didn’t see this coming. My fucking cancer has been squatting again in my body undetected in my CENTRAL FUCKING NERVOUS SYSTEM. WTF???? Thanks so much for giving me that early birthday present, how the hell can I enjoy my birthday, so glad I’m still here blah, blah, blah when I have this to deal with, when the next few weeks will be scanxiety week waiting on what my next treatment plan will be now. Every time my cancer comes back it seems to be getting very clever on where it hides and so much harder to treat.
Can you believe I haven’t seen my doctors yet after receiving this news, I spoke to my nurse but I’m still waiting on more reports, I had another MRI on Friday on my brain as well as my whole spine to just check where else it’s gone. So my birthday on Tuesday as much as I’m glad I’m still here, I’m slightly petrified at what’s going to happen next.
I googled my last report it had this – Leptomeningeal metastases. I want you to do the same. Wylie and I looked it up and was speechless when we saw it. Wylie was about to take Serena to her dancing, she was right there when we looked up my result so I couldn’t show any reaction, it’s getting tough to be brave about this, I’m still in shock and I’m just taking one baby step at a time for this one. I’m not ready to face this last cancer progression, what a random turn, totally unexpected and has taken me by surprise. Surprise! Happy birthday to me.