I’m still here. I feel that this could be my last post as I’m not sure I want to continue writing anymore about my cancer. I’m not sure I want to share my cancer journey anymore, cancer doesn’t have a happy ending. We die.
So my cancer has progressed they found more, I have Leptomeningeal metastasis on the brain and spine. I have had whole brain radiotherapy and about to redo my spine. So all up I have had radiotherapy on my chest, arm, skull, mastoid, spine & brain. We flirted with the idea of gamma knife but my cancer wasn’t a suitable candidate.
In between the radiotherapy sessions I’ve had chemo, I was still on Abraxane. Abraxane was very tolerable, I didn’t mind it but my cancer tolerated it as well, too well. So now I will be trying a new drug. So new it’s not on the PBS scheme yet. So new I think they just finished doing trials on it. I’m very lucky I have an awesome oncologist who has access and current with the latest treatments. I’m so grateful that I have such a great team of doctors & nurses. So the new drug, drum roll, Pembrolizumab, I had my blood test on Monday so I hope I qualify. The drug is not a chemo and it’s been used to treat melanoma. The drug works my stimulating the immune system to attack the cancer cells. So as of Friday my body will be going to war against my cancer. I feel like this is it, last hope. My oncologist always use to refer to his drugs being in a cupboard of drugs, he had plenty stashed away in the cupboard, plenty of options and it was a matter of using it wisely so we don’t run out. I feel like suddenly the cupboard has run bare and I have one trick left to use. This is it, there’s no more options after this. So there’s a lot riding on this drug.
In this whirlwind or bubble state I’ve been in, it’s just been mostly treatments and doctors and not much else. I’ve had to finally tell my daughter that I’m not going to be cured from this disease, that eventually the cancer will take me away from her. My daughter just turned 10. It’s just so upsetting that I will be causing so much pain and grief to my daughter, family and friends. It’s so upsetting that my daughter is so young and she has to go through this painful experience and she won’t have me in her life to help her, be there for her, be her security blanket. It’s weird grieving over a loss that hasn’t happened yet, I’m grieving for my daughter that she will have a future without me in it. I wanted to be there, it’s my job to love her unconditionally forever. I wanted that for her and it’s been taken away from us. I have no control anymore it’s all up to the gods now.
Thanks for following me on this cancer journey. Maybe I’ll write later but I’ll just say my goodbye for now.