A Mother’s Love

by hermyleen

I was reading an article today about Marco Pierre White he was taking about his mother who died when he was six years old and how that had an enormous impact on him, the pain and suffering drove him to achieve his three Michelin stars.

I was overcome with sadness today thinking about that. I thought about Serena not having her mum. Not having me. We saw friends today and they had an eleven year old daughter; they’re still so young at that age. I wondered if I would be able to see Serena when she turns eleven. That’s still too young not to have your mother.

We saw the principal on Fri and he spoke about someone at school last year who lost her mother to cancer and she was in kindergarten. I just felt so sad for that girl not having her mother.

I feel like this is the toughest thing to overcome for me. I don’t want to cause Serena this pain. The pain of not having your mother’s love, the pain of losing me. I feel like no one can love her as much as me, not that she’s not loveable but a mother’s love is so much more.

For me even though I didn’t receive that much of my mother’s love I still craved for it. Whatever skerrick or scrap of love she gave me I hung on to it. I don’t speak to my mother anymore, I’ve not spoken to her in twelve years. Even now, at my lowest point when I received the news that my cancer came back part of me wanted that mother’s love. I wanted that security, that comfort, that embrace that you only get from your mum. And I wish I can always give that to Serena. I want to be there always for her in her darkest hour, in her times of need.

I stopped myself from calling my mother as I just get disappointed; I’ve just learnt from past experience that I can’t receive this from my own mother. I remember my mother use to say to me (quite frequently) if your own mother can’t love you, who can? So I give all my love to Serena now. I give her my unconditional love.